Right Panel & Text

In this self portrait I tried to portray the semi-apparent, internal restraints that come with needing too badly to be a "good" person.

The text was taken from a journal my mother kept during the last three months of her life in a hospice. The statement in the lower left corner is mine.

The following is a transcription of the hand-written text:

Right Panel Text From Left to Right

Written by Marion Johnson between October and December 1980
*(indicates text written by Chris Johnson)

From upper left to bottom:

10-3-80

Just received your book Chris- It came on one of the bluest days of my life, such as it is. I'm so miserable nothing can console me. I'm glad I have the book to talk to.

~~~

I'm really tired. My left side has been coming along wonderfully, Thank you Jesus. I'm walking with the walker by myself. They do help me with my bath but for the most part I can do it myself. I'm so happy. It took a lot of praying, exercise, trust and love from my loved ones namely My Son, My Twin Daughters, My Mother.

~~~

12-5-80

Dear Chris, Just woke up this morning with my arm and leg moving a little bit. A great bit, I know God did it and I'm so happy.
I believe I'm coming back. Oh sweetheart you know what this means to me. (Just got scolded by the sweetest nurse ever also.)
My foot is hanging off the bed like a bad girl. In fact, I think I did a little too much already, the arm and leg are slowing down from what they were before, but "thank you Jesus" it looks as if it's starting back. I'm going to have Gloria Photostat this for you to send you. It is the closest I'll get to writing a letter.
I hope you can read it. The book is wonderful. I've written in it every day since I got it.
~~~

I'm not turning Catholic but they are so nice to me they treat me like gold, and I love the services. I look forward to it. But God is so Good Chris. And I do thank them.

~~~
6-2
*It's ironic, to have come so far in this life and worked so hard, only to discover that being a "good person" is the easy part.

From Upper Right to Bottom

Well Hello journal! It has been a long time since I've talked to you. It isn't that I neglected you, it's just that I have really been busy. Christmas is coming and I've been making as many of my gifts I can.

You see how wrong you can be.

Just had one of those terrible conversations with Momma. We always start out alright but end up out of sight. I ended the conversation shortly when she accused me of giving my father all the credit for raising me. I won't even go into that, it's too frustrating. It's getting dark out. I dislike night time. I don't sleep like I should and my thoughts are not happy. I'm going to try and dwell on the Lord. How good be has been to me. If nothing else he gave me Christopher, Gloria and Angela. No one on earth could have had more luck than them.

I think the cancer, the vomiting, the swelling were all hard on me that's why I'm taking this so badly. But the cancer was something I couldn't see, the vomiting was temporary and I could see some improvement in the swelling and their afflictions.
Lord have mercy on me. Please have mercy. I just heard on television, the guy who is the manager of the Dodgers. He says you have to stay happy in other words put on a happy face all the time. I guess I've failed this last two days. Thank you for your love children. I do need it. I'm sorry that I've been such a burden this last few years.

One of the reasons this hurts me so much is because they can't get any real rest with me ill. They deserve the very best of everything. Nice homes with nice companions, a parent who is there to talk to every now and then. Lord please make me well. Give me back my hand and foot. I've never cried so much in my life, and I know that doesn't help any.
I wonder would Father Michael come up and talk to me a while.
I need someone to talk to. Please Lord heal me.

I wish beautiful things for you. That means living your lives without extra concern. Except for your own lives and from lies.

I'm going to say goodbye. I love you.

Mommie